I Wish You the Best...

To say goodbye! 

For the last two days I've been a wreck: emotional, illogical, sad, lost, at moments totally devastated and lonely... It is hard to let go of her, with whom I have shared so much, with whom I have been most honest, whose sweet scent I last took in as I lay beside her, taste of her breath in mine I cherished in disbelief, in whose warmth and kindness I rested my head of worries, whom I held in my arms, whom I loved, and still love... I think...

Love is a big word. I know only that it is something to be learnt overtime. And our story together has been not a long story as stories go. And perhaps there is still so much to be learnt.

There are things I don't understand about myself, and there are things I don't understand about her. But every time after a final farewell she reminds me that she wants our friendship... I guess we will see what happens. What we share at the end is that we have spent some beautiful moments together.

What do you want? What do I want? Why can't things be easy? 

This day, after spending the morning in a disbelief, I sit in this coffee shop writing and I feel that I can accept. And that I must take care of my life.

What is love?

Lately I've had the strange experience of love to my musical instrument, my kamanche. What a beauty! this dead piece of wood, bone, metal, skin and hair!

Also with a baby, a good friend's toddler daughter, following two kitty cats up and down the stairs several times... in her unobstructed attention, her complete absorption of life around her, and her unexcused asking of attention, I felt the deep piercing rays of love. 

It is said that love is attention. 

I feel the desire to immerse myself in work, in practice of Taiji, in practice of music, in practice of teaching. There are still obstacles, there is momentum to overcome.

I wish you the best, my dear fellow traveller in this life journey, if this is where our ways part. There are things I wished for that didn't happen, but I'm glad I didn't leave behind the biggest desires of my life, and I was there as much as I could. No regrets! no blame! Some pain of loss! and tons of good wishes!

 

Yoga - Taiji

YOGA:

Why Yoga? I can't say much other than the experience of it satisfying a need, like water for thirst. I feel that my body needs it. And more practically, with Taiji working on the lower body, Yoga's work or arm and shoulders is essential for me a musician whose use of arms is so specific and repetitive.

Since I didn’t take note after last class. 2 classes so far: one preparations for pranayama, and this last class was preparations for standing poses and spirals. Pranayama was magical, feeling that each pose was exactly what was needed by my body and breath. This past week more of a struggle with the body, and confusion. But next day I felt it had addressed the problem I have in my right hip. I have a bit of a concern regarding that also.

So then why not practice?

Why not get up in the morning and do that?

Why not get that Swiss Army suite case on wheels you've been wanting for a long time?

TAIJI:

Why Taiji? The original reason behind it maters less that what it has turned into, which is training to be a warrior of sorts. Why do I need to be a warrior, or at least help recognize/nourish the warrior in me? A poor undeveloped, but undeniable part of being human, and again that experience deeply satisfies a real need to be firm while being smooth like water, assertive, self respecting, defending oneself, defending one's integrity, and the connection with energies of the breath, earth, and intention.

What I had planned fell through with cancelling of Tuesday eve class. So I should contact C (my teacher), and what was stopping me was the possibility of hanging out with N, and so I didn’t follow up, and so… Anyway, it’s C’s belated Birthday also, and she gave me a perfect gift, and I feel I can’t… So now my idea has turned into a private concert, or a semi private concert...

But every now and then when I breathe and practice the form, I feel certain that it changes my state.

Why Would Anyone Want to Listen to Me?

Why would anyone want to listen to me?

“I doubt I have anything worthwhile to contribute.” I wrote in reply to an invitation to be part of a presentation of music, arts and ideas.

And it began a bit of a questioning in me eventually. Do I really have anything worth someone’s time to come and listen?

I saw an acquaintance a few days ago who enquired about upcoming concerts. I said that there wasn’t much. But I must say I was surprised. He’s a frequent concert goer and a critic of sorts. He knows good from the bad, and is not easily fooled… Why, I wanted to ask, would you want to come hear me anyway when there is so much better stuff out there?

Today, I wonder: do I have anything to offer? Do I have anything worthwhile? 

The people who tell me about how they were touched by what I played, are they all fooling me, like I sometimes say nice things to people to be liked in return? Or is it the depressing poverty of their ears and minds which hasn’t heard much worthwhile?

I can see I don't have anything of my own to offer. So, have I discovered something worth sharing? why expressing oneself, as art sometimes supposedly does, appeals to listeners/receivers? I get that it’s good for the artist possibly but what use is it to the listener?

I'm thinking of the art of arrangement now, like arrangement of a piece of music for a different ensemble. Arranging is like being a curator, inviting artists you like and finding them a place to present, sometimes giving an introduction to their work, sometimes leaving them alone to shine, all in a way that helps engage listeners… 

Maybe that’s all there is to art, find things you like and show them, share them…  Share is a key word, isn’t it. Also that maybe I don't really have anything of my own... Perhaps it is just like being a good host. You don’t go to a party to see your host only, you go to see everyone who will be there. It’s interesting to see that though through my school I have hosted many events and several people, last time I personally hosted a get together was around 4 years ago....

Today's Work

I started today a lazy day, tossing and turning in bed till noon, facebook-ing on my phone, then satisfying myself with other imaginations; she whom I think I like, and she who called me ‘cutie’… And that’s enough to get me going.

I guess that the real work begins now, when I’m back, from a week of meditation. There I was locked in a system, held up, braced by the day’s order, the wake-up, the breakfast team, meditation, and working in teams being told what needs doing.

All this time, trees swaying in the woods - the embodiment of perspective, and the elders who’s slower, determined movements, and whose wholly manifested intonation inspired and reminded me of the fragility of my own youth. 

There was an air of forgiveness, my laziness could be taken as efforts, if I was late, no one scrutinized… We were all in the same boat I guess. 

Here, stakes are much higher, my job, my future, my reputation, my liveliness, my life really… And here, I don’t give a damn. 

Where is that whole-hearted gratitude? where is the awe? Where the child whose rebellious moods I tolerated simply, whom I was told i might want to look up to?

It’s like being taken to a sacred place by some mistake for a while, and then finding the fraud, being sent back… I don’t know if i want to go back, but I see that if it seemed hard and strange to be there, and how I wanted to get out, it was actually easier to be. 

Funny how even now, when emotions touch me again, I still prefer to swim in their waves and not get to the emails I have to sent, and the schedules I have to fix and the preparation needed for tomorrow’s class. 

No one asks “Shall I ring the bell?”. 

Breakthroughs and Sidewalks

I've been meaning to write for a while on a few occasions, but my home life has been real messy. So at home I don't get anything done, except wasting time in various ways.

1) I'm amazed at the possibility of learning at this age. Not that I'm old, but I'd assumed that I wasn't going to improve in my music (at least technique) after my 20s. I thought that I would mature in understanding, in depth, things like that; but not technique. I even recall a comment from a past teacher in a violin lesson that you will never play like in your 20s.

Now, in my mid-thirties, I'm finding that new breakthroughs are changing my playing. I'm surprised by the ease and clarity of tone and relative accuracy. Of course I hadn't been in-practice with violin for the past few years, at least not directly. So, yes! practicing helps! But I don't recall playing this comfortably years when I kept a more regular and rigorous practice.

This is in part thanks to a new friend, Bijan Sepanji, who gave a workshop to my students and through it unlocked something. I will get into the details later, but I should also thank my own work through teaching, and the giving up fixed ideas.

I struggled with poise and technique through the early years, not knowing what horrible things I was doing to myself. Through the explorations Alexander Technique helped quite a bit, and I was much influenced by Menuhin's methods. Eventually I gave up the shoulder rest, and rebuilt my technique based on a left hand that must support the violin. Mainly focused on the left hand, and it helped... But for the last few years, throughout my AT training, I've had a right side problem plagued by constant tension in the arm, hip, and sometimes twitches in the hip... Playing violin didn't really help, and despite my struggles to think through it, direct through it and all, just didn't get better, and violin made things more and more unhappy.

It's not easy admitting to oneself (and others) that I'd been wrong, but the beautiful ideas of before, were impractical and somewhat limiting. My problem hadn't been about the primary control, not about the head-neck-back relationship, but more related to the use of the bow and the sound production, dropping the weight of the arm,  a wording and thinking that was very strongly discouraged, and if I may say banned in our AT course! This is giving me so much more real musical ease also, and yes, AT and knowing the body helps immensely, but it's more natural.

Also having an aim helps greatly, a gig to prepare for, with responsibility, playing with a group that you like helps greatly. It all helps. And I'm amazed that I can still have breakthroughs.

2) It was my Birthday last week. Unceremoniously, I turned 34. "A bit older" my body tells me: growing the beginnings of a belly, losing some hair,... You know!, but still playfully jumping fire hydrants on the sidewalk and walking that narrow raised garden curb, still singing/conducting like a madman as my teens, and welcoming barriers and unpaved, un-pathy paths. Also, still a mess at home, and still solo.

At this point on this walk, I'm finding new endeavours too. Unexpectedly singing has entered through the back door! What a joy! and Taiji and Yoga, and all kinds of leadership, and organizational duties (great challenges), and then of course music is still there. Oh, and teaching!

Another interesting thing about this 34 is that now, at this spot on the road, I've spent 17 in Canada, and 17 in Iran. Exactly half-half! Not that bad a place to be, this sidewalk!

Preparing for a Solo Recital

I just had a moment of "Why the hell can't I do this?". There is something about the timing of my left hand finger, a miss co-ordination. It works fine in an isolated attempt, but when it's in the middle of the passage, it's as if the nerve doesn't fire. And it's at a place where you can't really fudge it, or you loose the anacrusic energy.

I don't quite remember when the last time was that I goy upset, or mad about not meeting my standard immediately. It used to happen often. Maybe not so much these days because I don't practice as much, and that the sort of music I've been doing often offers other less technically complex options of the same gesture, and maybe because I have earned some insight into the uselessness of the anger in practice. But what I like about it is that I really want to get that passage the way I want it.

It's naturally a longer term process, where the learning is that of a new technique, not of putting things together from known and practiced vocabulary.

I am trying to imitated this passage, this "lick" you might call from a historical recording of a voice master, H. Taherzadeh, but I'm interested in the flute accompaniment, who plays with quickness and freedom of water in a stream. I'm hoping to use this lick in my improv. And then maybe just to show-off. But it's quite beautiful and worth learning.

And how I do my "takyeh" in general is too fuzzy for this bright and quick passage, so have to touch the string and lift at higher speed and hammer slightly heavier on the string, taking care not to overdue, and to have adequate bow speed to create the clear wobble.

Also I thought that I practiced it fairly systematically, breaking it down to the musical and technical units, and practicing each, with effort to be there for the sound and for the sensation. but still I couldn't put it together.

The amazingness of writing about it is that in this process, and in trying to explain it, I have now a fairly good idea what I was doing wrong: something extra. And it has to do with the action after the "tekyeh": I think I hold my finger away from the string. I think that I might have to let it bounce back to neutral after the action is finished. Still confused, but I will continue tomorrow and figure out more.

I should add that I'm planning for end of May to play an informal solo concert. This is the plan:

Part 1:
1 - re-construction of an imporvised solo in the mode Esfahan by Ostad Bahari.
2 - Shur/Abu-ata suite, including a few composed pieces, and improvisation.

Part 2 (ensemble):
1 - An experimental composition of mine, in a more modern approach to Iranian music.
2 - perhaps to segue into a different mode and play another composition of mine...

I might change the order, and do part 2 at the beginning, so to end with the more traditional stuff. For which I need to be more relaxed.

I'm hoping to bring into play some questions that arise during performance:

- Nervousness, judgement, pre-judgement, expectations...

- On what basis are musical decisions made (in improvisation, in a memorized piece, lapses of memory, etc.) say based on ethical considerations? or where the music seems to want to go?

- Listening and finding ways of inviting to listen

- Relationships with other performers in ensemble, eye contact...

- Relationships when solo. what relationships are there? Are you alone? On your own? What audience pulls out of you?

Bach's St. John Passion

Some of those late night internet time-wasters, end up at Berlin Phil's digital concert hall, an amazing archive of hight quality classical music. Surprised by the limited amount of Bach in the archive, I looked through what seemed to be another multimedia madness of "let's popularize classical music", and I ended up trapped and enchanted in this amazing world of St. John Passion. 

With a good friend and baroque music listener, I decided to present it to Listening Club. Timing was right because Tafelmusik was also going to perform it in a week. Berlin Phil's rendition was absolutely fantastic, with some theatrical and staged embodiment elements, which brought the story to life. We prepared this by reading of the text, and hearing parts of an interview with conductor Simon Rattle director Peter Sellars, as well as notes on historical performance practice. I included some personal suggestion on how to relate to the story today, in a non-religious atheist world. It was a night that surprised me with the positive reception from the folks present.

So, the concert with Tafelmusik:

This is a what I wrote to the amazing soprano, Julia Doyle:

 "... I meant to come back-stage afterwards and thank you in person, but for several reasons it didn't happen. I wanted to tell you that I was deeply moved by the performance as a whole, but particularly by your solo "Dissolve, My Heart,...". The experience was something that is hard to speak of... Perhaps enough to say that I was, myself, left with a flood of tears. Your pure voice and sincere performance, and of course Bach's greatness, pierced through me. Afterwards I wondered if 'composer' is too little a word to describe Bach. He had, it seems, deepest understanding of life, and must have had a deep spiritual practice. And then, I realized that of course that practice is music itself. But your singing free of ego, and pure, echoes in me like something from beyond. ..."

Julia Doyle's aria was where I gave way, I gave up. I had been following the words, trying for getting at some of the German also; It makes a difference when you know that the long held words with chromatic descent are weinete bitterlich (wept bitterly),  to hear the word painting, and to listen to the music too, with it's turns and twists...

Somewhere in the midst of the soprano aria, something stirred in the hall, was it someone weeping? then, ... all of a sudden I started hearing all of the music, or maybe inside the music, or the music itself: a sorrow and a suffering that was bound and free at once, light and heavy at once, and quite grand. I remember watching an interview of Menuhin, speaking of Enescu, where he used this word - "shattering", and it was indeed shattering! I suspect that the presence of near 700 pairs of listening ears had to do with that too. A special night.

In a way I wish to listen to the Passion again and again, and in a way, I'm afraid somehow - not a light undertaking, you know - that I might get bored and that the magic goes away... But I'm filled with questions. What is this suffering? What is this broken-ness. How does Bach get into my skin and pierce me with the lines of melody that seem to get at my conscience? Part 1 ends with the words "stir my conscience". How do "notes", "sounds" (i.e. play of frequencies and durations) stir you such, shake you such? 

I'm reminded of listening to an improvisation by the arabic nay master Bassam Saba on an informal performance where it seemed to me that he might have psychic powers, in knowing where I was in me, and from there to strike a chord inside and another one beside and take me away, in me to a new place in me. I remember being quite surprised. Music, it seems, can be like a chiropractic adjustment for the feelings, or if one believes in it, for the soul.

I'm not sure what remains of the "high" of the performance, other than memories. But both J.S.Bach and Julia Doyle now have a new fan... One is not around to know, the other once, I made sure I wrote to.

Hello again after 7 years!!

Much has happened, but much remains the same. I am perhaps still in-practice, but in different ways. Certainly not in the same intensity focusing on the violin. In this time, I have spent some years practicing the Alexander Technique, and was hoping to be a teacher of that system, and have continued music, but now practicing the teaching, and running a school. I still practice music, mostly now spend more of my personal time with kamanche (Persian fiddle), and also spend time arranging for my school's choir and string program and practice conducting the strings. I also enjoy giving presentations at my school's Listening Club on pieces of music, sometimes more theoretical, sometimes poetical, and I like to invite us to listen. 

On the side there I'm enjoying being a beginner at the ancient Chinese art of Taiji, and the Indian discipline of Iyengar Yoga. And then sometimes, I write words, which might resemble poetry... There you have it. 

In this journal (or blog) I hope to impart some of what encounter, to reflect freely, not as a teacher, not as a school director, or any of it. Maybe like older kid, with questions, dilemmas, fears, and I might get personal. I hope to do this journal fairly regularly as a way of keeping track, and as a way of getting certain things out there, or out of my system.

So, Here we go!!!

fragments from my life...

I didn't go to the Contact jam this morning. I had a hard time deciding. I now look at my room and it is a mess of clothes on the floor. In fact they were not worn after I washed them last week, (or was it before then?) but for some reason I had to leave before they dryer cycle was complete. I was late for something, and I took them out half wet, and forgot about them. Since then they stayed in their basket and now have acquired an unpleasant smell, and have to be washed again. This has been a source of mechanical suffering this week. i will wash them today.

So it's a bit of a mess. I've been quite busy this week, only came home to sleep most nights and left in the morning. Tuesday we had our Group meeting. I was grateful and discovered a great unease in sitting for the duration of the  meeting, I wanted to move around, couldn't sit still.  

Last night was K's Renewal of the vows. This is the girl that got married in Vancouver, going for a silent walk before the wedding. I played for them, not the traditional wedding stuff, I only played a little Kurdish wedding tune for them. Several people mentioned how they liked this tune. I think I'll record it for them, I'll have to find out the words, maybe get someone to sing them, and translate the words. It's true these are lovely little tunes Kurdish so called "folk" music. You know it was interesting there is usually 3 sectioned, an instrumental introduction, and two verses. The second verse usually goes higher in the register and resolves again. I got people to clap when I played, it's a dancing tune after all. As I played I somehow decided to play the second verse quite a bit quieter, and I was surprised to find out that the clappers, also got quieter with me... ("oh so they're listening!" I thought.)It was a goo night all together. not too long and not too formal, which was good.

I've been feeling good about my violin this past couple of days. I prepared something (Legende by Wieniawski) to play for Jacques, the conductor of this orchestra in practically 1 day. It wasn't anything big, and though it really wasn't ready for performance or anything, I felt good. One can work if it is necessary. Now I've enjoyed (and it includes the ego also, which is not at all bad!) playing some of this. I had worked on playing thirds earlier this year and sometime last year, and having left it aside and come back to it, I see that it had been worthwhile, now it works much better, and octaves too, which I have no idea why.

I would have liked to play some violin at this teacher's concert and the school where I teach, but they really don't have a pianist. And one really needs a piano to play anything exciting, and I didn't have a Bach fast movement ready. But I played Kamanche with the 'band', we rehearsed 3 times and put together a decent performance for a half hour. You know one has to memorize the music too, and one can clearly fake it easily since everything is in unison, but still. 

You know, I've noticed what an incredible amount of stuff goes on inside me while I play. Mainly decision making, and considering. Decision making regarding "covering up" mistakes and also regarding contributing to colour and orchestration (when can I change octaves, when to play more legato, when staccato, these are all rather improvised) at the same time as remembering and forgetting the melodies, and hopefully listening. I know I have a tendency to play this particular note off. and I can't quite hear what's going on in the performance.

There is a girl, a student of the school who was waiting to play as one of the senior students. I'd heard her play. She plays santur, a kind of a dulcimer. She was quite nervous, I talked to her a bit about how she felt and when she played I thought something is lacking. The music doesn't speak. she was just going through the practiced moves, but not listening to them, not hearing the music happening... I thought I might be able to help her. Could I offer her a lesson? Or wait until next time I see her practicing?

Perhaps I should go and practice, but wait, I mean to take advantage of you as a lever for my life. I mean, you can help me, by my reporting to you what I have done in the line of 'setting up a savings account for traveling', and volunteering for schools, and so on. Well I talked to my bank and they suggested an eSavings account, and I tried to set it up but it didn't work. So I'll have to check why. And about the volunteering I talked to one teacher so far, and she said call me. That was yesterday. So maybe I'll do that, but I should say I don't know her and she seems a bit scary, strict or something, but hey why not? I'll call her school too. You see this is how I mean you can help me.

Oh and there is a 3 week Contact workshop in eastern MA, a place called Earth Dance with Nancy Stark-Smith. She's one of the 'pioneers' of Contact, and her work is Work. She was in Toronto and i took a workshop and she was amazing! working with awareness, intention, listening, experience of the passing of time, I mean she goes deep and to a different level. dancing is not an art for her it seems, but a way of work. I had this thought that I might take the course. It's in January. And I thought perhaps I can pay you a visit too, if you might be in town then. But it's kind of expensive. Perhaps I will save some $ by then. I have to decide soonish by November.

Again I'm faced with this date, so many times asked and written on so many applications and forms, by date of birth, and so not too long ago it happened again, I'm faced with it and all that it brings. I admit that celebrating it has not ever been a norm for me, not in our family, and despite the slight feeling of isolation, it is a matter of pride: "it's a day like any other. I'm not fooled by it thinking that my wishes are going to come true or anything of that sort. Gifts for what? Everyone was born, nothing special, " and more...

I still did not celebrate this year, that is to throw a party, but had beer with a friend. Now I am used to thinking that these days are reminders for events in the past, and I've said this before.  New Year is to note that years do go by, and a birthday is to remember that I was actually born, and that I was born out of my mother's womb. It is a reminder that I'm alive and living, and that I will die. That I have not existed for ever and ever, as it seems... that there were times and people who remember that I did not exist as such.

So here I am a human, a mortal, not a god with the "Lam yaled wa lam yulad". I was born as all other mankind. Despite any trace of memory in my mind, it is absolutely certain. 

Today I remember this. I'm here and here I am. 

It's been quite a while since I last wrote anything here.

Today, I rehearsed some Kurdish music and had fun. I had fun. I discovered something in connection with Alexander Technique. I am habituated to look at my fingers, so I'm looking down. I could hear for some reason the vocal line better, more clearly when I was up, naturally looking at the others. 

Now I'm interested.

  

painting

I have done some painting after a very long while. I have reworked one of the older works and I had a lot of fun. Unlike music practicing, I could sit there for hours, so I did, not in a great state of presence, nevertheless happily occupied, worried now and then at results, such as I am when practicing music, but I was surprised at how similar to choregraphy the state of imagining things can be.

the power to see something (this colour vs. that or the shape of the 5 dancers in this movement) in your imagination. Alas often I fail to see the real thing.

Tonhenge

A few short lines about the opera I've been working for.

My friend Celine and I have been given the difficult responsibility of choreographing for 2 sections of the opera Tonhenge. We had the 1st choreography rehearsal today.

The first section entails 7 sets of rounds for the 5 singers, each of whom have a metal pole and these poles are to hit at precise times (indicated in the score) during the choreography while they take particular shapes and formations.

This is promissing to be a difficult process, not easy for the singers but as well a great learning experience. This is really my first time choreographing anything for others. This is to mark this beginning. Why not? I love it... Especially since it is tied directly with the music.

Is this the demise of another era?
I think the excitement of "in practice" is wearing off. I'm not yet planning to but it seems like it's approaching, I mean the ending of this journal.

It is good to see, if you follow or have the bug, how I have changed. I really wanted to put some of the stuff, my activities, thoughts, problems, etc. out there. Not to get feedback, but to have them expressed so that I might have an external responsibility towards my plans, my profession.

I must say before officially closing this (let it hang for another month or so), about a few new prospects:

- I will start on my project of playing the violin and moving with Diana Groenendjik tomorrow.

- I just got the video from Tracey Norman and Ali Gretian's choreography, had a little chat.

- I probably will be involved with the next instalment of COEXISdance.

- have not had a violin lesson in quite a while. So hard to find Mark. Left msgs for him, can't find each other... I'm interested still in Oistrakh's beginning of a stroke and application of Alexander technique's inhibition in timing.

Still wondering about pursuing Alexander next year. I must make some decision at some point. It's not cheap, and I have to see if I really like it.

Let me write this down, bofore I leave and jump on the bus to Roncessvales for my fiddling lesson.

I haven't practiced! again! I need to look again, and see what I'm doing. What I wanted to do and where I'm going now. I loose sight of my grand dreams and ideas.

what about you? how do you keep the dreams alive, how do you remember?

NOROUZ The Persian New Year

And here we are again, the same place we were last year, and the year before that, and all the memorable newyear moments of childhood, at same exact point in space, in the endless space (in relation to our Sun) the point of Equinox.

The New year comes and in our little humble ceremony, we are together. It is strange in that in the regular day to day life it affects you little, not little reminders for the first month or so when you catch yourself writing 85, and it's actually 86 now. It is still 2007, still March, when I make a mistake and forget the date, Fe.. ooops March, it has little significance. There is little foreplay, so the excitement of the new year is built up only for the hour or so that you have come home from work, and the tick-tock before the moment is not as exciting as the childhood moments, mysterious, unbelievable and almost impossible to imagine.

Well of course time passes all along, and its passage is always mysterious and cosmic. it passes as I speak and as you read, and as these words appear on the screen and the fingers type. And every morning at the precise moment, the sun rises, and the wheels turn. To all of this we are oblivious. Not that we must be or we can, but if there is a good enough excuse, a random point in the earth's path that every time, we can aim to listen to the sound of the universe and to look back and to look forth and to stay right here hopefully to see it happen. The New Moment Come and the Next new momet and the one right now, and so on...

True! The weather is still cold and the snow is still on the ground, and tomorrow i have to go to my three jobs, sell music, teach music, and play music. It feels little like a New Year, and there is a redundance to all of this, it makes little sense here There are no spectators for the grand show of nature, the passing from the designated point in endless space and that every time, Every time so far for as long as the earth has turned around the sun, it has done without a doubt, the master craftsmans stroke has little reverberation in the empty stadium.

Well of course this is within is it not? I can celebrate this tomorrow, can't I? I can celebrate this now can't I? It is good to be together and to see my family and self healthy and happy.

Happy Spring,
Happy Norouz,

The Day I realized I'm not Mozart

have I talked about this before here?

In my teens I used to have secret dreams of being, and becoming great, extraordinary, and a genius, a freak of nature. Not when I was 5 or 6 or 8. But since music became important so did the wanting to be great... I was always good, I was a good kid.

A few years back, in university, I realized that I'd been dreaming this way. I think I was in 2nd year, and I saw that I wasn't the best and that some other kids had naturally (and had gained through earlier training and more interest even) what I had to work hard to learn. I had friends who were much more 'talented', and those who were 'less'. I realized that I was in my twenties and had not written my symphonies and my masterpieces where incomplete. I had to ask myself the hard question: 'why are you doing what you are doing?'.

Last Thursday after a lovely conversation with a lovely friend, I remembered my dream. I know in a way that these were imaginations, and that I was touched and mesmerized by something I knew very little about, and that I wanted to be different and important. It saddens you a bit, but you realize that much of what you are the circumstances, your history. I personally know a couple of people who if were in certain circumstances, would have been great musicians. So I need to accept where I am, without blaming things. After the conversation, know I can be a link, a catalyst, a mediator for greatness to appear. And that this is very very valuable indeed.

Also I have a greater goal: to live life with my whole being, as fully as possible, to see as much that I can see, and hear as much as I can hear and to feel the emotions that I feel and really taste the food that I eat, and if this is not realized/recognized in greatness, it can be a link, a catalyst and maybe I can witness life.

I've come to realize music is less about creating anything and more about listening, hearing, receiving sounds.

Fiddling; Craft

Finally I'm starting to get the swing feeling. I still don't know really but when it feels like you're on fire that's probably something close. too tired to write much about it, and I have little to say about it except some self congratuation on the point.

I was speaking with a friend about Persian music last night. He's well trained in the music and a respectable man, a few years my elder but young nevertheless. Despite our mutual liking of criticism (I bet most people are just like this.) we talked about very intersting phenomena of music. I have an interest (perhaps an intelectual quest) into finding out what the difference is between something that moves you and something that you can hear is "good" but does not move, doesn't get into your heart. I of course have my theories some more recent than others. He argued that this is an interesting and usefull interest and approach but not the way to learn the subtlties. You cannot force the mysterious elements in, they will come if they see fit.

I'm also interested in being a craftsman. I had a violin teacher (Lance Elbeck) who would often remark how he was interested by the craftsman's way of 'filling a hole in the wall', how he starts from somewhere and ends up in a place where you cannot tell there ever was a hole. Lance looked at preparing a passage or fixing a problem in the music as just that. I've also been interested in the violin maker's craft and the calligrapher. All movements functions of time, and effort, movements in time, actions (and non action) in the particular sequence. Some things you do something you let the object (or nature) take care of. You let the plaster expand, you stop for enough time. You let the glue dry let the meat marrinate. And all the while a sacred sort of patience and calmness.

Theatre?!

Theatre is just the latest exciting thing.
I was involved with a demonstration of contact dance for some theatre students. In fact I mostly (only) played the violin, accompanying them. This was organized by Pam Johnson one of the active contact dancers who makes a living from performing and teaching contact. I did not know that contact dancing is used as a theatrical tool in scene study especially in physical theatre. I can't say what it means because I barely know myself. What I do know is that I was much impressed by their freedom in movement and friendship with gravity and their extremely physical extroversion.

I went and saw a show today and I wasn't as impressed. But I like the possibilities of the art form and the thought that what an amazing training a theatre student might get! Literary training, movement anesthetic training, voice, projection, spatial awareness, personality study, etc. It sounds like an essential ingredient (co-requisite?) for life and presence, add to that math and abstract thinking and you've got it. I've realized that I'm asleep most of the time. I want my ears to awaken and my eyes and my hands and my mouth and my body and breath. I like to be more alert and awake. I'm not sure that the theatrical training is the right answer and that I will pursue, but it's just intriguing.

Alexander Technique

I can observe a decline in my interest to write on this blog. I do hope some people come here sometimes.

Today I have made a decision to pursue the Alexander technique in a real and deep way. Perhaps to become a practitioner and teacher. You see we are limited by our habits, our life is dicated in a way by our habitual patterns of action (both in movement and in emotion and thinking). The Alexander technique provides one way to bypass our habitual patterns at least as related to the physical body. You see the idea is that there is a system in our bodies that is designed to control our movements. What we often do (as I understand through misuse of our consious control over our body) is to try with our mental brain to do what this system (that Alexander calls Primary Control, and I suspect is the same thing as kinesthetic inteligence or sense, that is refered to by Dalcroze simply as 'knowing where our limbs are') is designed to do and surely knows better.

Alexander found out that the only way he could change his old habits of movement was to not do them, he had the power to give up his will to "do", which is what he calls inhibition. This momentary stop allowed the Primary control to kick in. This is only my understading of it, and to some extent my own experience.

I know lessons are expensive, but take one some time.