To say goodbye!
For the last two days I've been a wreck: emotional, illogical, sad, lost, at moments totally devastated and lonely... It is hard to let go of her, with whom I have shared so much, with whom I have been most honest, whose sweet scent I last took in as I lay beside her, taste of her breath in mine I cherished in disbelief, in whose warmth and kindness I rested my head of worries, whom I held in my arms, whom I loved, and still love... I think...
Love is a big word. I know only that it is something to be learnt overtime. And our story together has been not a long story as stories go. And perhaps there is still so much to be learnt.
There are things I don't understand about myself, and there are things I don't understand about her. But every time after a final farewell she reminds me that she wants our friendship... I guess we will see what happens. What we share at the end is that we have spent some beautiful moments together.
What do you want? What do I want? Why can't things be easy?
This day, after spending the morning in a disbelief, I sit in this coffee shop writing and I feel that I can accept. And that I must take care of my life.
What is love?
Lately I've had the strange experience of love to my musical instrument, my kamanche. What a beauty! this dead piece of wood, bone, metal, skin and hair!
Also with a baby, a good friend's toddler daughter, following two kitty cats up and down the stairs several times... in her unobstructed attention, her complete absorption of life around her, and her unexcused asking of attention, I felt the deep piercing rays of love.
It is said that love is attention.
I feel the desire to immerse myself in work, in practice of Taiji, in practice of music, in practice of teaching. There are still obstacles, there is momentum to overcome.
I wish you the best, my dear fellow traveller in this life journey, if this is where our ways part. There are things I wished for that didn't happen, but I'm glad I didn't leave behind the biggest desires of my life, and I was there as much as I could. No regrets! no blame! Some pain of loss! and tons of good wishes!
