REVIEW IN PROCESS

Reveiw in Process:

I will post all online when ready... Or perhaps I will post as it gets completed. we will see.

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1 -I did a bit of recording last night and today and I'm glad I did it. So much escaps my ears when I play, and to capture the sound is a great help, thanks to Thomas Edisson, and Sony MD Recorder. There was one note that was out of tune (not only one of course, but this one was particular because it was at the begining). This note came in a passage twice, and always the second time it was sharper. Upon hearing it the first time, I aimed at playing it correctly the next times, and even thouhg it got better, it was still a bit too sharp, not the same as the first accurance. Now if someone told me that I would never ever believe this.

2 - There is a short video of Keith Jarret on Youtube, check it out if you haven't. After a conversation with Mike, I said to him: "In performance, I would be more than willing to give a lot of attention to dedicate myself to the music, to what is goin on, but I know I wouldn't do it in rehearsal. I would not be willing even to give it all during my practice, I would think this is wrong or something." There are some very interesting facts and observations about practice/performacne/play in FreePlay by Stephen Nachmanovitch. Stephanie where are you? I need my book back.

3- Yes I know, 2 things that have been postponed: the reportcards this is the end of December. I had originally said that this experiment will go on until December, and now it is time to decide. So We WILL BE BACK with more o those stories.

Happy Holidays!

and forward

I've had some more time these few days to practice the violin. I still must review my progress in the past 3 months, that is to say make my own report cards. Perhaps this is a good time of year for this.

But in terms of violin, I've gotten new strings and that makes a difference new strings are clearer and easier to play on. But the important factor is tone and healthy sound. The cat doesn't like this healthy tone and scratches her nails on the closet door, I let her out, and when I'm done she comes back home.

The relationship between the neck and the head and the hold of the violin is absolutely crucial, and more so in playing loud and strong. one must not give in to the slightest inclination to go downward or to press the violin down, and for me there is a habitual tendency in the thoracic vertebrae (upper back) to curve and face down. This is of extreme importance.

True this is much of what I'm interested in, what about sound? is that of secondary importance? Well no. They are of equal importance I think, and equally important is the attitude to work, and the attention and dedication (surrender).

Let us see how much forward I can go today.

and Merry Christmas!

Reminders for the New Year

Why didn't I go to Boston, this from the email I snet to almost everyone:

"Details of why and how might be beyond this email, but I would gladly talk about it if you are interested. But to say in short, money was one of the factors but not all. Basically, I revisited the reasons behind my original decision, my love for Dalcroze, movement, music, idea of moving to a new city, newness and change, musical development, career and reasons of other sorts. I weighed the pros and the cons, I considered the importance and the unimportance of making the decision, I considered my present situation professionally, artistically, creatively, etc. And finally, I decided that it made more sense to stay and build upon the opportunities here. This was not easy, but now that some time has passed (I notified the school over a month ago) I still feel good about my decision. A good sign I hope.

I have been planning for my Fall and Winter, making my own university so to speak, studying with people I'd love to work with, and working on what I think needs work: private lessons, workshops, classes and projects in music, dance and more. I'll be taking on intriguing creative projects as they come my way (so I'm here! I'm interested, you seeking collaborators!), and initiating creative projects myself. I must say I'm very excited about the year ahead. Really! "

1- Do I remember why I stayed in Toronto? Do I remeber my grand aims?

2- Well how is it going? Any forward steps in this direction? Any regrets?

3- What now? What for the new year?

Winter Solstice

Let there be an entry in memory of a dear one, my first violin teacher and a wonderful man, a real human being, and my uncle.

Unfortunately I was not aound him the last 7 years, and what I remember of him is from the memories of childhood and my teens. It is hard to pinpoint why but he was an extra-ordinary man.

It's so unfortunate that I didn't seek when there was a chance, and now, there are only memories, endless memories, and they point to life itself.
Cherrish and don't take it hard.

Bravura Appassionata ConBrio

What more adjectices can one find for what one lacks?

In a way it is extremely important to know by experience what I avoid.

I say to myself why do I need to play loud and passionately? What is the point? And then again what is the point of playing softly and sweetly?

In violin lesson today, I played loudly and very strongly to make Mark happy. It was DeBeriot Concerto. Still louder and stronger than you think, if I was to play like that now, I probably would go 60% of what I did there and that still wasn't the end. I was surprised as he asked for more and more. They say there is much more potential than you can imagine, and I got a taste of it, and good to remember that I have gotten a taste of it here and there.

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Why do I avoid this particular type of sound/relationship?

1- I avoid it becasue I think it is irrelevant and unnecessary and even wrong. Irrelevant because this particular Roamanticism doesn't fit in the social structure of our time (which is the reason I looked down on the performances last week... why all the drama? why all the emotion?)

2- I avoid it becasue it uses up and involves the parts of my being which have (by accident or conditioning) run away from my personality.

Someone in me says: Don't take me for granted, I can cook up a storm that will swallow you whole. I can fight to last breath when my life is attacked, I will kill and destroy if I must.

I know this, I have been there, I have deffended my life, I have cooked up a storm with music. But I also have given in when it was time to fight, and backed off to deffend my position, and not followed through with many crescendos when I could then just ride on an effortless natural forte just because of hesitation and the idea that aggression is wrong. I've backed off in love and in life and in music often.

As I was comming home I saw a car passing by quickly very quickly. I'm a car myslef that will never go over 60, in the highway up to 80, carefull and safe. Do you ever get the rush when your car is going beyond everyones. I used to be able to run amazingly fast. I wonder if I still can.

re: Pocket concerto: WHY?

I had a few minutes to watch the video. Despite the mistakes I was pleased in a way. I looked good which is always good!!

I was so so surprised to find the LeClair clearer and cleaner ?and with the same percentage of mistakes and recoveries than the Pocket concerto. Why is that

Does that speak to Alexander's principle of unrelaiability of sensory appreciation?
Or is it that I wasn't able to listen to the videos carefully? was the accompaniment a factor? the backing of chords the contrast in tone? Simplicity of LeClair and it's clarity, compared to my piece with it's ups and downs and dynamics...

Anyhow, it is interesting and puzzling. I can't really trust my reaction-judgement and reaction-feeling... one is always biased, and according to Alexander, one needs the help of an "objective method of monitoring".

Pocket Concerto

If I have to explain all it will take a long time.

I was playing two short pieces at a concert an old friend of mine organized through the Vietnamese community. The imposed formality of the procedure, talks, MC, flowers, etc. always seems redundant. I like not to stay in a seperate room, I like to see the audience, I like to talk before the concert with people I know. Then get ready and play. One can say a word or two, one can say to the audience that I'm only me and feel that they also relax a bit.

The purely classical world with it's codes of conduct, concert etiquette, and the facelessness of it and the sometimes blind 19th century Romanicism and virtousity on stage seems unfitting. We pick such big bites of musical literature that are at the edge of one's technical ability, one can hardly listen to the music one is making for the worry of falling apart on stage.

I played the LeClair Sonata, 2 movements only. I had orriginally thought to include the last movement but I decided to cut it out because the worry was not worth it. Who cares, I'll play what I can. So the LeClair went ok.

I had the idea of complete trust of the right arm and to lead with the right arm, then I also wanted to practice presence in a new way. To be aware not of my notes and music and so on but that I'm playing in front of people not to hide the image. in the beginning I had my eyes closed and could feel the eyebrows moving, "oo alsmost out of tune... fine now, ... good, " But then I opened my eyes for a sec and saw the hall and my neck freed up a bit. There were glitches here and there, I held the note two short, I had to compensate, regina (my accompanist) was also doing this adjustment, and it takes a little bit of energy away, and tension is created.

The second piece was the pocket concerto. I had the luxury of having been beaten to awakeness before stepping on stage by Sam, I had said "Oh I'm falling asleep", he punched my back, I looked around a bit and saw more vividly the movement of people, I stepped on stage, with awareness and took a longer bow and looked into the audience, took enought time to adjust the stand and tune and took a few short seconds hearing the sound of silence (my silence, with the noises of some quiet whispers and more) and then played.

.

What I played felt more real and connected and meaningful in a way. I remember one moment of awareness when I stepped a bit further right from the music stand and saw the music and the background of the hall. Anyhow a more engaged expereince and a more fulfilling relationship with the instrument.

My parents were there and my aunt also. They took a video of my playing. I'd like to see how it looked from the camera's eye. True that I'm tired, but I can't recall any sound from my playing to mind. What's that all about?

Being an unaccompanied soloist is a great advantage for you can do adjustments on the moment to make up for you lack of preperation. Instead of a hard passage I can play a simpler thing (it's my music anyway) and just see what happens. Go on a tangent for a few seconds and come back. The music may not be (is not) as multi-faceted and well-constructed as Beethoven and Paganini, but it's real and possible. In a way special for the audience. It involves me and my habitual modesty.

Consistancy

One of the things I wonder about is my inconsistancy. How is it that I'm sometimes in such a good state, with juicy, rich, sensual, and colourful experiences, and some days I don't seem to have the capacity or even possibility of it seems far-fetched. Some days I can play music with presence and abandon, some days only rigidity and force. Some days the expericne of dancing is expanding, some days diminished.

Today was one of of the latter, and yesterday former. [is this sentence correct gramatically? can anyone tell me? does anyone know?]

So Why?
I suppose first I have to ask How?

How is it? It seems the main reason for all this is in the attention, in the duration and breadth of attention.
As you can see I'm not in peace. I ask How and answer with "the reason". This simple back and forth of thinking, leaving thoughts, actions, ideas incomplete and impatiently running around is one of the reasons. It's the experience and reality of being scattered.

You know food and sleep are quite possibly a factor. Usually if I've eaten well and slept just enough, I have a better day. Sometimes it's a matter of emotional state, loneliness, sadness, something happened, somebody didn't do what you required inside,...

-+ -+ -+ -+

Is it correct to say that a performer needs to have some control over this? Great atrists also have bad days, so how do you get a sense of daily grounding? what is there to do? Taichi? Yoga? Morning practice of eartraining? What do you do? you can write a comment if you want.

But again the daily practice needs consistancy. It shouldn't be like: "Oh I'm feeling scattered today. I don't feel like Yoga." well I suppose you don't know you are scattered yet. You just have a feeling, a laziness, you know. Anyhow!

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I had a violin lesson today. but i don't feel like writing about it. I have to go practice, Morninig concert tomorrow.

one more time

Aha,

It was snowing outside quite beautifully!

Is it not interesting how the expreience of time's flow is different when you look at the snow falling? is it not different when it rains?

Time to time Time

There was a very interesting discussion about time. I was too involved with inner considerations to contribute, and my judging brain was hard at work. Still there were quite some interesting comments and experiences.

I believe the experience of passage of time is one of the ultimate experiences that one could have. The yogi, it is said, can feel the large cycles of life as undivided elapses of time. I can at most feel 10 seconds go by without subdividing, I think so at least. I guess that means the Yogi can look at himself in the mirror and see his face aging, or the flower blooming.

One of the questions was regarding the natural speeding up of tempo in class, when playing music and dancing, "I wonder why the metronome always slows down!" some one said with humour.

My experience of time can be very vivid, sometimes it is as if it is flowing through a different medium, it seems more viscous I can see more and hear more and touch more and just experience its passage and the continuous change of all things.
Other times I look and see it is the end of the day and I have no idea when and how my day has passed. I wonder if it is possible in the quantum mechanics to relate the nature of time's passage to attention. A certain kind of awareness seems to change time's nature. The medium that it is made of, the intensity of ether... do these make any sense at all?

I practiced Kanjira (south Indian frame drum) with the metronome. [1-South Indian tradition has to be the most complete and in depth analysis and experience of musical time.-check out Dasa Pranas! Perhaps I should write about it. /2-How do I know the metronome is actually correct?] Until my attention thinned out and I got interested in the mere mechanics and capability of playing, I had a sense of time's passage in the grid of the metronome, how accurately can I play? How can I tell that a certain beat was longer than the other? what system in me gives me a sense of this? I know that if I'm attentive and relaxed I can feel this and keep good time. but also Daclroze's discovery is of importance, I can keep amazingly good time for quite a long duration without much awareness when I'm walking or running, without even experiencing it's passage. I ran outside this afternoon almost just for that...

Also another idea that was brought up was our sense of duration and its relation to surface activity. That is, how filled with stuff it is. One example of it is how a busy day feels shorter than a boring day, another is the rushing of 16th notes in music, it's almost inevitable, almost everyone does it. Then other people talked about rushing in a more general sense. hurry from the outside but not from the inside.

T i m e t o g o .

New Ends

I've been invited to join an ensmble for touring, I've said yes, and I realize how immature this move was after talking with my teacher/friend Casey. I have not found out enough about the gig and the money and the job, and what exactly it entails, no contract, nothing. I was excited not really by the musical opportunity but by the opportunity to perform and to tour and perform and perform and perform and play. (and tour and see if this is something I really want to do).

Also we had our first little snow today. Cool! and as a welcome note I have taken in some of the cold weather and I only now realize my immature reaction. I'm just excited.

relax man!
it's your life that's all.