Way Out (oct 26)

[The following lines are excerpts of my journal, Oct 26]

"Progress has been slow this week" my violin teacher said after the lesson.
"I'm just ashamed", I said "I don't want to look for excuses and I'd like to be more ready."

Here is my resolution this week, I'd like to be more ready. This of course is an ego thing. I react to this awful feeling of shame and say I'll practice so I'll be proud next time. This is not because the joy of the music or violin playing; it's because I want a different relationship to the teacher. This is of course not bad but that's not why I'm taking violin lessons anyway. I know also that if now I'm feeling strongly about this, 2 hours later I will have forgotten.

So? What's the problem? Is there a problem?

I suppose I must first ask if I want to do it or not, because if not, then it's a waste of time.

...[details about which pieces I like and which I don't and that I'm not having a particularly fun
time. Finally:] let it have a chance till the new year and then we shall see and decide. It's going to be a premature decision now anyway.

... [What we are working on, and my problems namely Intonation, Co-ordination, Sound, Shifting]

-----------------------------------

just too much to write here and I'm tired. Ask if you are particularly interested. I don't even know if this is at all being read. I shall post some of last night's practice notes after.

Now off to practice!
We've laid down a laminate flooring in the basement today at Merton street. satisfying work, group work, work, and remembering oneself. Do you remember yourself? do you remember me? do you remember you?

lost dance

Do not spell-check on this.... I just lost a good chunk of writing on dance. now lost in cyber-space. this is the second time.

Too damn tired to write a coherent entry. I'm proud though somehow. I don't know what from today to share? Also that I've been keeping notes as I've gone along in the day. That's what I was talking about when I wondered if this was a practical thing to do or not, is there an interference? or could I think of it as reinforcement?

I've been trying to avoid the emotional in here and to focus on my personal university, but when something is such a significant part of my life, I might as well say it. I've broken up with my now-x-beloved, it has been a real mix-bag of emotions.

Ian and I talked a bit after the meeting today. (He had imagined I was a married man!) I said that I believed this was the right thing to do, despite of it I still felt the longing and the loneliness and the reminder of how and who I used to be before this relationship. It changes your whole life he said and I remember having written about the different pace of time's passage in my book.

I realize that I have made big mistakes and I believe that they were honest mistakes. But also I see what a truly special and nourishing and fun and youthful and amazing experience this was. An amazing ride!

افسوس

که فرصت کوتاه بود

و سفر جانکاه بود

اما یگانه بود

وهیچ چیز کم نداشت

Practice with Mike:

We wokrd on a piece "Here it is!" by Bill Douglass, it was very interesting to see how Mike practices. I've never liked to count out loud "1 e + a" and play. It was enough challenge to perform it in front of the other one, for him and for me.

I would like to try some of the counterpoint exercises that he has devised.


Speaking with Nazila:

We played a little bit in esfahan. I was nervous that I might not be in tune, but it was actually a case of mutual carefulness and hesitance but also places where she or I would go a bit wilder.

Then we spoke business! I wish I could see myself in that room, so on the edge, so careful and trying to say something that I knew I had to say. Disagree with and question what they were doing. I can't imagine having been articulate at all in that state of uncomfort, but luckily I think it went through. We agreed that I send them an email with my requests, ideas and suggestions, and later I thought I would ask to make and sign a contract (something I need to learn about anyway...). This meeting took a lot of energy.

Teaching:
Ben's mom asked to sit in the class and asked some were amazing questions about practicing. So we worked on one piece with some ideas of how to practice it. he's a smart guy, and it's good to have the mom in the class once in a while. It's also good to demonstrate and inspire the kids. Next I could do a fast fiddle tune for him and blow his mind. Here's a great performance opportunity.

---
Then was the meeting wich itself was another 2 or so hours. My poor body needs rest now.

Today was all work and emotions. Sentiments have their place, not hear. I'll just say that this time I'm giving them time to live. I slept when I came home and took a bath, which was good.

I have two new projects, two collaborations with old friends. One with Rick Roose and Lily's choreography. I've never worked with Rick. I love the guy, and I'm curious what sort of process we will have together... The dance is coming out of improvisation, and I'm glad it's a smaller group.

I have a gig now with Vanessa. I spoke to her today, and we laughed quite a bit. She's a successful singer songwriter, and making her living with good spirits. I'm excited about this 2 hr improv gig... I'm wondering what sort of preparation we could have. A larger group has it's advantages (like a few group vocal pieces, and varous combinations and instumentation). It'll be a fun challenge to the scope of my musicianship. We will see.

As for practicing, I had a few minutes of practicing today. When one starts and things are just not falling is place. I managed to find my way into the violin mind set or mode. It's actually the body that is problematic, the holding of the violin, the position of the head, the tightness of the neck and intonation. But today I found my way in with the mind: freedom of the head and the lightness of touch, and the natural movement of limbs, then attention to the sound itself and "seeing" oneself in action. Then one can think analytically: intonation and the colour of sound, as Mark said yesterday the personality of each note in context.

Anyhow...

Work tomorrow, and then Array music. I'm interested to see the show. Maybe a few lines tomorrow night.

music for dance

Long day,

I had wanted to take a walk before teaching, but I was tricked into setting up for Terri's recording, which didn't go badly...

Playing for the dance jam was very good. I was surprised and continue to be at the possibilities. I was playing longer, and going with the music, a sort of continuos transformation.
I even played the piano. A few strands of "Cycle of 4ths" which slowly developed into a thickening isorhythmic ostinato. At some point (near the peak) I was overwhelmed by the sound and if I could handle the rest of the progression. I eventually came to a quick decrescendo, against what I had thought originally, to leave it hanging at the top. I would love to learn some Phillip Glass also.

To be able to push and pull, and affect the dancers differently, inwardly or outwardly,
To inspire and change the character of the attention, and to suddenly put forth a chunk of "silence" and the hearing of what is now heard, as music, and letting the music carry throught the bodies. Seeing the the music without hearing it, plastique anime of improvised, non-existant music.

At some point I went into some Chinese pentatonic sliding. The whole group was to one side and they spread as I played. I could have done a more sensitive job, but i was much too much excited by the Chinese sounds I had discovered.

This is what I really love to do.

Tomorrow is my violin lesson. I have done some conceptual work, but not enough... I should wake up early tomorrow.

to blog or not to blog

I'm still wondering if this is something I'd like to do. I've been impressed by a friend's blog and inspired.

But here is the practical side...

I have my note-books, journals, where to do what... what goes where...

as a start:

Dance class was not bad. A muggy rainy dark day, I was lazy and disappointed... A bit of perspective and a shock can turn things over. Laurane was teaching, a real honest girl. It was a small class and slowly things are making sense...

Alex is also a nice guy. He was going to the gym and then weight training after. I like his positive approach.

Tomorrow is work, Contact and teaching, I'd like to see the Anne Linsey show after...
perhaps I'll take a walk after work.