Why Would Anyone Want to Listen to Me?

Why would anyone want to listen to me?

“I doubt I have anything worthwhile to contribute.” I wrote in reply to an invitation to be part of a presentation of music, arts and ideas.

And it began a bit of a questioning in me eventually. Do I really have anything worth someone’s time to come and listen?

I saw an acquaintance a few days ago who enquired about upcoming concerts. I said that there wasn’t much. But I must say I was surprised. He’s a frequent concert goer and a critic of sorts. He knows good from the bad, and is not easily fooled… Why, I wanted to ask, would you want to come hear me anyway when there is so much better stuff out there?

Today, I wonder: do I have anything to offer? Do I have anything worthwhile? 

The people who tell me about how they were touched by what I played, are they all fooling me, like I sometimes say nice things to people to be liked in return? Or is it the depressing poverty of their ears and minds which hasn’t heard much worthwhile?

I can see I don't have anything of my own to offer. So, have I discovered something worth sharing? why expressing oneself, as art sometimes supposedly does, appeals to listeners/receivers? I get that it’s good for the artist possibly but what use is it to the listener?

I'm thinking of the art of arrangement now, like arrangement of a piece of music for a different ensemble. Arranging is like being a curator, inviting artists you like and finding them a place to present, sometimes giving an introduction to their work, sometimes leaving them alone to shine, all in a way that helps engage listeners… 

Maybe that’s all there is to art, find things you like and show them, share them…  Share is a key word, isn’t it. Also that maybe I don't really have anything of my own... Perhaps it is just like being a good host. You don’t go to a party to see your host only, you go to see everyone who will be there. It’s interesting to see that though through my school I have hosted many events and several people, last time I personally hosted a get together was around 4 years ago....

Today's Work

I started today a lazy day, tossing and turning in bed till noon, facebook-ing on my phone, then satisfying myself with other imaginations; she whom I think I like, and she who called me ‘cutie’… And that’s enough to get me going.

I guess that the real work begins now, when I’m back, from a week of meditation. There I was locked in a system, held up, braced by the day’s order, the wake-up, the breakfast team, meditation, and working in teams being told what needs doing.

All this time, trees swaying in the woods - the embodiment of perspective, and the elders who’s slower, determined movements, and whose wholly manifested intonation inspired and reminded me of the fragility of my own youth. 

There was an air of forgiveness, my laziness could be taken as efforts, if I was late, no one scrutinized… We were all in the same boat I guess. 

Here, stakes are much higher, my job, my future, my reputation, my liveliness, my life really… And here, I don’t give a damn. 

Where is that whole-hearted gratitude? where is the awe? Where the child whose rebellious moods I tolerated simply, whom I was told i might want to look up to?

It’s like being taken to a sacred place by some mistake for a while, and then finding the fraud, being sent back… I don’t know if i want to go back, but I see that if it seemed hard and strange to be there, and how I wanted to get out, it was actually easier to be. 

Funny how even now, when emotions touch me again, I still prefer to swim in their waves and not get to the emails I have to sent, and the schedules I have to fix and the preparation needed for tomorrow’s class. 

No one asks “Shall I ring the bell?”.