Way Out (oct 26)

[The following lines are excerpts of my journal, Oct 26]

"Progress has been slow this week" my violin teacher said after the lesson.
"I'm just ashamed", I said "I don't want to look for excuses and I'd like to be more ready."

Here is my resolution this week, I'd like to be more ready. This of course is an ego thing. I react to this awful feeling of shame and say I'll practice so I'll be proud next time. This is not because the joy of the music or violin playing; it's because I want a different relationship to the teacher. This is of course not bad but that's not why I'm taking violin lessons anyway. I know also that if now I'm feeling strongly about this, 2 hours later I will have forgotten.

So? What's the problem? Is there a problem?

I suppose I must first ask if I want to do it or not, because if not, then it's a waste of time.

...[details about which pieces I like and which I don't and that I'm not having a particularly fun
time. Finally:] let it have a chance till the new year and then we shall see and decide. It's going to be a premature decision now anyway.

... [What we are working on, and my problems namely Intonation, Co-ordination, Sound, Shifting]

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just too much to write here and I'm tired. Ask if you are particularly interested. I don't even know if this is at all being read. I shall post some of last night's practice notes after.

Now off to practice!
We've laid down a laminate flooring in the basement today at Merton street. satisfying work, group work, work, and remembering oneself. Do you remember yourself? do you remember me? do you remember you?