Bravura Appassionata ConBrio

What more adjectices can one find for what one lacks?

In a way it is extremely important to know by experience what I avoid.

I say to myself why do I need to play loud and passionately? What is the point? And then again what is the point of playing softly and sweetly?

In violin lesson today, I played loudly and very strongly to make Mark happy. It was DeBeriot Concerto. Still louder and stronger than you think, if I was to play like that now, I probably would go 60% of what I did there and that still wasn't the end. I was surprised as he asked for more and more. They say there is much more potential than you can imagine, and I got a taste of it, and good to remember that I have gotten a taste of it here and there.

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Why do I avoid this particular type of sound/relationship?

1- I avoid it becasue I think it is irrelevant and unnecessary and even wrong. Irrelevant because this particular Roamanticism doesn't fit in the social structure of our time (which is the reason I looked down on the performances last week... why all the drama? why all the emotion?)

2- I avoid it becasue it uses up and involves the parts of my being which have (by accident or conditioning) run away from my personality.

Someone in me says: Don't take me for granted, I can cook up a storm that will swallow you whole. I can fight to last breath when my life is attacked, I will kill and destroy if I must.

I know this, I have been there, I have deffended my life, I have cooked up a storm with music. But I also have given in when it was time to fight, and backed off to deffend my position, and not followed through with many crescendos when I could then just ride on an effortless natural forte just because of hesitation and the idea that aggression is wrong. I've backed off in love and in life and in music often.

As I was comming home I saw a car passing by quickly very quickly. I'm a car myslef that will never go over 60, in the highway up to 80, carefull and safe. Do you ever get the rush when your car is going beyond everyones. I used to be able to run amazingly fast. I wonder if I still can.