All Wrong

In an effort to find a loud, strong and extravert attitude to the instrument, I knew essentially that the tendency in my usual attitude is to try to make’ more’ sound, and therefore use more energy. It is given that this relationship does exist to some degree, you do need to use more bow and that should require more energy.

But it was obvious (especially in the arpeggio Kreutzer Etude) that my usual approach is not long lasting and in a way unreliable. I could see very clearly the extent to which this extra force was crumpling the body with muscular tension. The movement stops, and so the friction increases, and one runs out. One of course becomes aware only after having stopped: “oh it shouldn’t feel this way!” In other words it doesn’t seem natural.

There is of course a new, more reliable, more real place where this energy could come from. And that place is very hard to describe. It is the same place that enables me to do extraordinary things sometimes, for example to defend myself, or when I get enraged.

I realize today, after seeing the reoccurrence of some of the old miserable relationships with my instrument, that I have been doing something wrong. This is, as you can imagine, sad business. Old pains in the shoulder and neck have come back.

I spent some time worrying, some time remembering my body, and going back to the basics (why have I forgotten? One thinks one surpasses, grows, can move on. No, not of the roots!) of the relationship of the muscular and skeletal systems, and my habitual interference. After quite some time I find a light, natural and forceless relationship. I am amazed at the ease, and alertness of the state, and in a few minutes I realize that it is all gone.

Anyhow, I am convinced of the fact that I can reach the real source of a greater energy that can be put through my instrument. I am convinced because I have had a taste of it here and there, before habit and lack take it away. I also hear it in other people. I have written before about Oistrakh’s playing. I know, and have experienced a few times this past week just that. The freedom of movement and open and released muscles is actually what allows for that inner strength to come up. It is in a way “spiritual” but also very bare to the bones and dry. The awareness of the mechanics is absolute. You are not taken away with the music. You are not dreaming in melancholy and in a feverish haze. The attention is completely alive in flow, completely awake and ready, yet relaxed.

The explanation in words, of this state, might seem like I know how to go there. But I don’t! It requires work and experiment, and dedication here and now.
Also I should add another theory: means are more important important that the ends; the how
more important that the result. Only a theory!