painting

I have done some painting after a very long while. I have reworked one of the older works and I had a lot of fun. Unlike music practicing, I could sit there for hours, so I did, not in a great state of presence, nevertheless happily occupied, worried now and then at results, such as I am when practicing music, but I was surprised at how similar to choregraphy the state of imagining things can be.

the power to see something (this colour vs. that or the shape of the 5 dancers in this movement) in your imagination. Alas often I fail to see the real thing.

Tonhenge

A few short lines about the opera I've been working for.

My friend Celine and I have been given the difficult responsibility of choreographing for 2 sections of the opera Tonhenge. We had the 1st choreography rehearsal today.

The first section entails 7 sets of rounds for the 5 singers, each of whom have a metal pole and these poles are to hit at precise times (indicated in the score) during the choreography while they take particular shapes and formations.

This is promissing to be a difficult process, not easy for the singers but as well a great learning experience. This is really my first time choreographing anything for others. This is to mark this beginning. Why not? I love it... Especially since it is tied directly with the music.

Is this the demise of another era?
I think the excitement of "in practice" is wearing off. I'm not yet planning to but it seems like it's approaching, I mean the ending of this journal.

It is good to see, if you follow or have the bug, how I have changed. I really wanted to put some of the stuff, my activities, thoughts, problems, etc. out there. Not to get feedback, but to have them expressed so that I might have an external responsibility towards my plans, my profession.

I must say before officially closing this (let it hang for another month or so), about a few new prospects:

- I will start on my project of playing the violin and moving with Diana Groenendjik tomorrow.

- I just got the video from Tracey Norman and Ali Gretian's choreography, had a little chat.

- I probably will be involved with the next instalment of COEXISdance.

- have not had a violin lesson in quite a while. So hard to find Mark. Left msgs for him, can't find each other... I'm interested still in Oistrakh's beginning of a stroke and application of Alexander technique's inhibition in timing.

Still wondering about pursuing Alexander next year. I must make some decision at some point. It's not cheap, and I have to see if I really like it.

Let me write this down, bofore I leave and jump on the bus to Roncessvales for my fiddling lesson.

I haven't practiced! again! I need to look again, and see what I'm doing. What I wanted to do and where I'm going now. I loose sight of my grand dreams and ideas.

what about you? how do you keep the dreams alive, how do you remember?

NOROUZ The Persian New Year

And here we are again, the same place we were last year, and the year before that, and all the memorable newyear moments of childhood, at same exact point in space, in the endless space (in relation to our Sun) the point of Equinox.

The New year comes and in our little humble ceremony, we are together. It is strange in that in the regular day to day life it affects you little, not little reminders for the first month or so when you catch yourself writing 85, and it's actually 86 now. It is still 2007, still March, when I make a mistake and forget the date, Fe.. ooops March, it has little significance. There is little foreplay, so the excitement of the new year is built up only for the hour or so that you have come home from work, and the tick-tock before the moment is not as exciting as the childhood moments, mysterious, unbelievable and almost impossible to imagine.

Well of course time passes all along, and its passage is always mysterious and cosmic. it passes as I speak and as you read, and as these words appear on the screen and the fingers type. And every morning at the precise moment, the sun rises, and the wheels turn. To all of this we are oblivious. Not that we must be or we can, but if there is a good enough excuse, a random point in the earth's path that every time, we can aim to listen to the sound of the universe and to look back and to look forth and to stay right here hopefully to see it happen. The New Moment Come and the Next new momet and the one right now, and so on...

True! The weather is still cold and the snow is still on the ground, and tomorrow i have to go to my three jobs, sell music, teach music, and play music. It feels little like a New Year, and there is a redundance to all of this, it makes little sense here There are no spectators for the grand show of nature, the passing from the designated point in endless space and that every time, Every time so far for as long as the earth has turned around the sun, it has done without a doubt, the master craftsmans stroke has little reverberation in the empty stadium.

Well of course this is within is it not? I can celebrate this tomorrow, can't I? I can celebrate this now can't I? It is good to be together and to see my family and self healthy and happy.

Happy Spring,
Happy Norouz,

The Day I realized I'm not Mozart

have I talked about this before here?

In my teens I used to have secret dreams of being, and becoming great, extraordinary, and a genius, a freak of nature. Not when I was 5 or 6 or 8. But since music became important so did the wanting to be great... I was always good, I was a good kid.

A few years back, in university, I realized that I'd been dreaming this way. I think I was in 2nd year, and I saw that I wasn't the best and that some other kids had naturally (and had gained through earlier training and more interest even) what I had to work hard to learn. I had friends who were much more 'talented', and those who were 'less'. I realized that I was in my twenties and had not written my symphonies and my masterpieces where incomplete. I had to ask myself the hard question: 'why are you doing what you are doing?'.

Last Thursday after a lovely conversation with a lovely friend, I remembered my dream. I know in a way that these were imaginations, and that I was touched and mesmerized by something I knew very little about, and that I wanted to be different and important. It saddens you a bit, but you realize that much of what you are the circumstances, your history. I personally know a couple of people who if were in certain circumstances, would have been great musicians. So I need to accept where I am, without blaming things. After the conversation, know I can be a link, a catalyst, a mediator for greatness to appear. And that this is very very valuable indeed.

Also I have a greater goal: to live life with my whole being, as fully as possible, to see as much that I can see, and hear as much as I can hear and to feel the emotions that I feel and really taste the food that I eat, and if this is not realized/recognized in greatness, it can be a link, a catalyst and maybe I can witness life.

I've come to realize music is less about creating anything and more about listening, hearing, receiving sounds.

Fiddling; Craft

Finally I'm starting to get the swing feeling. I still don't know really but when it feels like you're on fire that's probably something close. too tired to write much about it, and I have little to say about it except some self congratuation on the point.

I was speaking with a friend about Persian music last night. He's well trained in the music and a respectable man, a few years my elder but young nevertheless. Despite our mutual liking of criticism (I bet most people are just like this.) we talked about very intersting phenomena of music. I have an interest (perhaps an intelectual quest) into finding out what the difference is between something that moves you and something that you can hear is "good" but does not move, doesn't get into your heart. I of course have my theories some more recent than others. He argued that this is an interesting and usefull interest and approach but not the way to learn the subtlties. You cannot force the mysterious elements in, they will come if they see fit.

I'm also interested in being a craftsman. I had a violin teacher (Lance Elbeck) who would often remark how he was interested by the craftsman's way of 'filling a hole in the wall', how he starts from somewhere and ends up in a place where you cannot tell there ever was a hole. Lance looked at preparing a passage or fixing a problem in the music as just that. I've also been interested in the violin maker's craft and the calligrapher. All movements functions of time, and effort, movements in time, actions (and non action) in the particular sequence. Some things you do something you let the object (or nature) take care of. You let the plaster expand, you stop for enough time. You let the glue dry let the meat marrinate. And all the while a sacred sort of patience and calmness.

Theatre?!

Theatre is just the latest exciting thing.
I was involved with a demonstration of contact dance for some theatre students. In fact I mostly (only) played the violin, accompanying them. This was organized by Pam Johnson one of the active contact dancers who makes a living from performing and teaching contact. I did not know that contact dancing is used as a theatrical tool in scene study especially in physical theatre. I can't say what it means because I barely know myself. What I do know is that I was much impressed by their freedom in movement and friendship with gravity and their extremely physical extroversion.

I went and saw a show today and I wasn't as impressed. But I like the possibilities of the art form and the thought that what an amazing training a theatre student might get! Literary training, movement anesthetic training, voice, projection, spatial awareness, personality study, etc. It sounds like an essential ingredient (co-requisite?) for life and presence, add to that math and abstract thinking and you've got it. I've realized that I'm asleep most of the time. I want my ears to awaken and my eyes and my hands and my mouth and my body and breath. I like to be more alert and awake. I'm not sure that the theatrical training is the right answer and that I will pursue, but it's just intriguing.

Alexander Technique

I can observe a decline in my interest to write on this blog. I do hope some people come here sometimes.

Today I have made a decision to pursue the Alexander technique in a real and deep way. Perhaps to become a practitioner and teacher. You see we are limited by our habits, our life is dicated in a way by our habitual patterns of action (both in movement and in emotion and thinking). The Alexander technique provides one way to bypass our habitual patterns at least as related to the physical body. You see the idea is that there is a system in our bodies that is designed to control our movements. What we often do (as I understand through misuse of our consious control over our body) is to try with our mental brain to do what this system (that Alexander calls Primary Control, and I suspect is the same thing as kinesthetic inteligence or sense, that is refered to by Dalcroze simply as 'knowing where our limbs are') is designed to do and surely knows better.

Alexander found out that the only way he could change his old habits of movement was to not do them, he had the power to give up his will to "do", which is what he calls inhibition. This momentary stop allowed the Primary control to kick in. This is only my understading of it, and to some extent my own experience.

I know lessons are expensive, but take one some time.

Students' Concert

I should get a camera, so to put some pictures up here. It was the students’ winter concert today and one of my students was playing. It would be good to post a picture here.

Ben played a song which we had composed together: “Finger Factory”, and he played quite well, in tune, and in good poise and good tone, with good timing and all. There was a lot of positive feedback from the family, and the other teachers. Marlyn, the percussion teacher, was impressed and agreed that more of students should do their own composition.

There is no reward better than this. To see, to the best of your ability, that you’ve done the right things to a good extent, that it is in line with what you yourself aim for and that others who seem to care agree. That’s best!

Grace

I was reminded of a conversation I'd had with a friend of mine (a very good dancer) a while back. She talked about grace and I remember asking question after question about what she thought it consisted of. Economy and peace, seem to be two qualities of grace or elegance. Her vivid image was that of an elderly woman, probably has gone through a lot of hardship, yet she is increasingly graceful. I asked if men could be graceful. This wasn't a quality she would usually refer to men, but for older men this was quite likely. I think of Artur Rubinstein, and of the elderly Merce Cunningham in this sense...

I think lightness is another character, lightness of movement, of speech, of gesture...
I found myself saying to a student of mine to imagine a butterfly is sitting on her bow... and one on her shoulder, and one on her head, and one on her nose, and on the tip of the violin. She laughed, and even though it didn't change her 4 year-old joints work less tightly immediately it might change the inner attitude.

Re: Waves of Longing

Satisfaction granted! I was happy with the music and with the way the music and the choreography fit together.

I don’t know what else to say about the specifics of the piece, just that it was good. I was nervous, and the dancers said they liked the music. Also this marked the first musical collaboration between Rick and I which proved to be musical and smooth. Of course here and there, a little dent in the surface of the music, an out of tune note or unfitting pattern. Not a shiny clear perfect product, but with good content. I especially remember some notes rich with vibrato and nuance, juicy!


Also Alison, a good friend from York days was there with whom I had an interesting conversation afterwards. She was very inspiring when she talked about teaching, and reminded me of my late uncle whose humour and sense of psychological in-tune-ness with the students was probably his greatest quality. It seems to me that Alison also becomes a kid when she teaches the kids, and relates to them from their own platform. Something I’m sometimes afraid to do. “How do they know the boundaries? Don’t they climb all over you?” I asked. There seems to be a respect somehow, and the work gets done, even if hard work, at the end, she ends with a note “piano playing is hard work isn’t it? Just like being an athlete, you have to stretch and practice and …” and to end with a happy note, fun and funny note. You don’t want them leaving the class hating me, or even worse, hating music!

Very inspiring indeed… and I’m not going to tell you details.

1- Side track

It seems very unusual to me. The weather is cold outside, -20, or -10, or something around there. We are spending lots of energy to warm up our homes. That's natural, of course. We need the comfort and warmth. In our homes about +20 and warmer, we still spend a good deal of energy creating cold weather. We should have some way of using the cold outside, just have an area which is not warmed up, why spend energy warming it and then cooling it?

2- Violin
I'm feeling good about playing, about performing more and about the sound of the instrument. It is all coming together, and that's proof enough to believe that all things are connected: the improvised sounds (my solo CD in progress, playing for contact jams and for the Suzanne and Diana.), the classical technical stuff (engineering and craft of the violin playing), and fiddling (bow).

A few comments I got in my violin lesson today:

• In general: tendency to rush on up-bows (listening and gravity, ears meeting gravity)
• Energy of engagement in the music: There seems to be a demand for a bit of separation, so to hear and to observe in relative objectivity, and at the same time engagement and being a player in the game.
• In particular circumstances, the holding of the energy and forward motion in long notes: he suggested "progressive" use of bow length, and to always remember the anacrusic energy of the last beat.

3- Teaching:

I've thought about quitting teaching for a while, but then I changed my mind. I was speaking to Terri last night. We've been doing more 'eastern' things, some traditional, some of my own stuff, and at the same time attempting to (and directing them to) the study of some mechanical issues: 3rd position, shifting, left and right hands synchronized motion, etc. So now I've practically run out of stuff to teach her. I'd like to focus on some fiddling bow patterns for bowing and playing energy, but after that, I'm unsure.

After Terri, Ben came and we recorded a medley that he himself put together as well as a few other things. He sounded very good and he was so excited. recoding is a great inspiration, and we should continue with that. That made me want to teach more.

http://lcweb2.loc.gov/musdivid/025s.mov

I just want to post something now to say nothing special. I hope you are all well. I'm coming from baroque dance class. Bourree after Bourree after Bouree. It is fun!

I'm starting to get a sense of the larger scpoe of the composition of the dance. Like patterns on a Persian carpet, turning and twisting and approaching and missing and never touching the partner. at the same time not emotional or dramatic.

The nice thing is that it isn't vistuosic and that anyone can learn to do them.

On the way home I tried looking through the Viotti concerto on the bus. It is easy enough to be able to figure out the solfege and sing it. But I'm not good enough. Still~ It is so much more important to memorize (away from the instrument) and to play from the solfege from within. learn in musical chunks: First this, then this idea, then that and the same pattern but like this,.... and this is already one full page.

Absent Minded

This is not an entry regarding dance or music.

I bought myself a pair of gloves last week. I realized just after leaving the bus that the reason that I feel cold is because my hands are not covered and that is because I left the new gloves in the seat. That happens when I get too much into the head, ideas, and thoughts keep rolling.

I once ran into someone I knew on the subway. I had missed my stop by two stops and she was getting off to go home. "How come you are getting off here?" I had been reading something, or writing, or something of that sort. It was a funny when I ran into the same person another time in a similar situation. This trigered a conversation later where having felt silly I was reasoning and philisophyzing the absent-minded-ness.

We value this absent-minded-ness as a sign of genious sometimes: Stories of Einstein and Newton's fogetfullness and so on. they are occupied with much more important things that don't notice the red light and keep driving, or too intelectually occupied to give the correct change to the coffee shop, or to notice the fire alarm while painting... or to leave their gloves on the bus.

Does mental occupation (let's say internal occupation) take away from the sensations? Do you "transcend" the state you are at and bypass the signals that tell you "your stop is next"? Or can intense thinking be all inclusive?

How about music? how about dancing? It changes for me from time to time. Sometimes it is imagination that goes on a fantastic ride when you listen to music, and it is vivid as heaven. Sometimes it is not the imagination but the reality of senses, when I play for instance. I love it when I am able to see all the movements and the walls and myslef in the midst of it all in the dance class.

Truth is I don't really care. I want my gloves back they were so cool and so warm.

re: Nucleus: How amazing could it be?

I was lucky to have been asked to play music for a contact dance duo.
This is the email I sent out few days back:


-------------------------------------------------
Hi all,


I will be performing improvised music for Diana Groenendjik and Suzanne Liska (both amazing contact dancers).

info as follows

have a great February

- k o u s h a

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Marie France Forcier's
NUCLEUS
A DanceWorks coWorks series event

FUNDRAISER PARTY

Friday February 2nd 2007
The Ice Lounge, 560 Danforth Ave.
(1 block East of Pape, at Carlaw)

Performances by:
Diana Groenendjik
Elke SchroederCube 3
Crazyfish Collective
Larchaud Dance Project...and more
MC David Kraft
Doors open at 8:30 pm
$10 advance/ $12 door

-------------------------------------------

Diana and Suzanne were absolutely amazing. I was perhaps a bit too much in my head, but what needed to be done was done, they both (Suzanne especially) mentioned the support of the music and the connection.

I remember a spot or two where I was not in a relationship that I relished, I was perhaps critical of it and of course the dance was absolutely amazing. They can start dancing any time and handle anything that comes their way. I suppose that would translate to amazing ear and technique in music; that is exactly what knowing your instrument ( ~your body) and its possibilities, and limitations, rules (~ grammar, style, progressions) and trusting the partner, and of course listening (used in both music and dance practices).

I must say this was by far greater and more involved and stronger that all the other pieces. Both virtuosity and emotional richness and some very unexpected things. You guys are great!

I was quick to disappoint myself because of my physical tightness. A trigger that was pulled and I got stuck (still) with the tension.

I was also jealous of the dancers because I wanted to dance as well, to be part of this. That makes me think I should for sure experiment with moving and playing at the same time. Why haven’t I done this yet? So obvious! I need to get this other violin set up and then we’re ready. I used to play with much more physicality.
For example baroque dance and music would be completely possible in terms of safety of the instrument and bow. So I must give it a try.

Another note to myself:

I’d like a wider spectrum of sounds at my hand. It feels necessary that I might need more sounds to support different things different contrasts not only in content and approach but also colour of sound.
I think buying a looper and experimenting with overdubbing (live or recorded) and effects, can bring out options, open doors, vocabulary, etc.

Recording

I might not have said here before, but I'm in the process of recording a solo album. This was Vanessa Hanson's (a friend from the improv class and an amazing singer and musician) suggestion and it is her budding label that has taken the initiative.

We've already had two recording sessions, and it has triggered some interesting things in my creative process, and thinking.

you can look forward to hearing some things in the blog about it.

now we move on to the next entry.

ASSIGNMENT

ALTERNATIVE OPENINGS:
-The first line of each journal entry has been provided, continue in proper tone and content.


Here comes the ending week of January.

Today is my personal work and rest day. a great peaceful morning.

To resume the work, to come back home, to allow the passage of time be felt, by the touch of the fingers and keyborad.

The left and the right, not the same. My right side is ignorant to it's tension and the left oversensetive, it tenses and releases at a faster rate.

I have recorded a number of tracks of my improv. Upon listening, I wonder if all the effort is worthwhile.

God damn it I'm in love again.

One of these days I might realize that I might need to focus, not yet.

Could not say no to the opportunity for performing Contactmusic. only a few minutes but worth a great deal. I'm so glad I made a move and auditioned for SpeigleTent, and announced the project, it has paid in an unexpected way afte the original effort came to a deadeand. In return I have to find a nice way of refusing the other gig that is longer and perhaps even pays, but unattractive.

I need to focus. This has to be clear.

honeydream

Hi there,

Thanks for the wonderful presence all day today. You see, we sometimes want to remember something and it doesn't work, and also try to forget and we keep remebering. This is like a boy in his teens, would just do the opposite of what is asked.

I play music for what? to forget? or to remeber? to shrink? or to grow? to hide or t glow?
What is the use after all if it is as all other things a struggle internally and source of great discomfort and worry? There is drunkenness, but of different kinds, one drinks to disolve and obstruct, in the process all life is a blurry hazy flight. Another is ever more alert after a shot of Vodka, eyes shining, ears receiving, skin sensing obseving sound and light, and there is little resistance of the wondering mind.

Thanks honeybee sweetheart dreambeloved! tonight please fly more carefully in the snowy air midst the slippery traffic of heavy thought trucks. I write these words not to forget that you don't exist, but to remind me of something.

Ahah, it didn't work. I was right.