Teacher-Guru-Master

Last week I spoke to Mike about the study of music.

Now that after a few years I have submitted to taking lessons again regularly, I feel so different about having a master. Mike's idea was that studying on his own can be as useful and even more productive than taking lessons.

There one danger in submition to a teacher: it will make me practice of course, but it's possible I practice for the wrong reasons, especially if the teacher guilts you into the work, then you are practicing to avoid shame, to make the teacher happy, not for the great aims that I started my work.

Working on your own, if done well, gives you a good sense of your strengths, but leaves you blank on your weaknesses, of course the experience of performance, of learning from coleagues, etc. is there, but in my experience, I avoided what I knew I lacked... But on the other hand, it gives you autonomy; "I'm doing this not for anyone else, not for the course, not for the teacher, not for my parents ..."

In my last lesson, I saw things that I was completely oblivious to. Having worked on my own, helps me take the cues, then we're both teaching me, and an experiecned outside eye is surely an advantage. [There were some much easier ways to getting to the notes up on the fingerboard, less force, straight and clean ways. This is a lot of fun in fact. The engenreering part of violin playing.]

Grapelli

I have yet to practice, it is late and it is the last day... I have nothing extra-ordinary to say... There is a recording of Grapelli and Menuhin of Gershwin's Summer Time. Exquisite!! Grapelli has breath (prana as Indians would say!) in his playing, Menuhin has this edge, attractive in a way despite, or maybe because of, the slight out-of-tune-ness, but not as natural sounding as Grapelli, improv world is just something else... just something else, right out of you, right out of the moment.

There is one video of Oistrakh playing Shostakovitch violin concerto kadenza, this is something pre-composed and pre-practiced, but he plays it with such understanding and spontanaity that it seems improvised.

Was i not lucky to run into the world of improvisation?
Could I play my pre-practiced music with the spontanaity of improv, moment by moment, feeling the need for the next phrase, note, freely?

Jaime Weisenblum was thins kind of a guy, he told me to practice with all kinds of bowing, so you can choose on the spot whichever feels right. well, then I knew little about bowing, so I didn't practice bowing, I just never made decisions or learnt any bowing.

Practice

These days I've practiced violin more...

Last saturday I was at York U practicing. Running into Brian Katz was a very intriguing accident. I had an interesting experience playing etudes, shifting, and intonation (Kreutzer shifting and arpeggio etudes). I had a glimpse of the machine that plays the violin, the whole of the machine seemed to be involved in the creation of the sound; the eyes reading, observing the left and right arms working simultaneusly and in exact co-ordination, the feed-back loop between the ear and adjusting fingertips, seemed uninterrupted by inner chattering of thoughts. I was calm and less than usual muscular tensions... freedom and clean clear voice.

I was quite happy, I thought I can play and that I've seen something worthwhile, and could play music. In this case creativity and individuality were less important, not the artist that uses the hights of his innate talent and imagination, but more like a fleshy complex machine working smoothely, elegantly, and melodiously, a part fitting in the function set out for it.

I had often ignored this aspect of playing, it is fun to see that things are possible.

Trichy sankaran

How will I ever prove this?
No pictures, no video, no recording...

I performed with Prof. Trichy Sankaran tonight... Some people did not realise that I was scared and that I made a mistake (1 mistake and 2 little mistakes with recovery,... in that grid where everything locks onto and into each other, slow and fast mixed, double speed, ohh my god where is the dounbeat?...)

Avesta was keeping tala, the keeper of time, the bringer of the sense of 'ensemble'...

but I can't e-prove it.

matters of the heart

several reasons to keep these out of hear, mostly to avoid the work I need to do...

Just so you know, I felt unusually awkward last night at the Independent show at York. Not at the show, actually, it was quite good. Holly Small's choreographies were both interesting. The lovely duo was light and lively, sweet with a sense of tender. The last piece was most interesting for the music and the videography,...

anyhow, meeting my once-beloved, now formal, no more my anyone, and the short encounters with her mom, with long held pauses..., another figure and curiousity that can drill through the brain.

... no more my anyone, merely a dancer whirling with a surrender like no-one else, so unlike the last weeks we spent together.

Just so you know, the matters of heart are not to be over-stretched, just becasue they are flexible, they can cover all things to the extent that they loose thier elasticity and you are found betrayed by your own emotions.

now quit the drama, wake up, and clear the chest of stail thoughtletts.

ahhaah

smile,

good boy

Like a well-lubricated Machine

My violin lesson today was long and draining, however the result of my practice was obvious first of all in my attitude to the instrument. the result was for Mark to evaluate, but I knew the process so it is mine to evaluate (in fairness and aiming for objectivity):

- I have practiced on a fairly consistent basis.

- What I have worked on I have worked with genuine interest.

- I have found glimpses of new approaches to the instrument (freedom of the jazz player, of Grapelli and sweetness of the tone and precision of intonation for the emotional content of it, freedom of right arm, ...)

- I've almost avoided my weak areas. I have started with deconstructing and analysing, learning the in and out of some of the material, and then as my intentions faded, by the end of the two weeks, I have only practiced what I had learnt already, avoided the deconstruction and reconstruction (engineer's / craftsman's work) on the left over material.)

+ + +
During this two week period I'll be focusing on the following:

INTONATION < - ->SHIFTING

VARIETY IN DYNAMICS:
- what is my dynamic range?
- what colours of tone are they related to on my instrument?
- which articulations use dynamics as their main aspect? (cres. decres. > sfz fp <> , etc)

Should be fun...

Imperfections

when does learning take place?

I talked to a TTC person today (that is Toronto Transit Commission). I was waiting for the subway, one across the station just left and for whatever reason there were numerous sparks on the rail... I asked if this was normal, he didn't know. He was a bus driver. I asked if he had worked on the subway. He said he did for some time, but "you have to kill people". apparently 300 people a year die from throwing themselves on the tracks. that's almost 1 every day. he had experienced it himself. He said in NewYork in rush hour, they don't even stop the trains, after an accident, so the dead person gets smashed by the trains over and over and over (about one train every 3 minutes or so).

***

I'm making some accomplishments in practicing violin. Certain power can be achieved from a sense of embodiment and confidence, and freedom in the joints, much like Oistrakh. the right arm is loose and powerfull. The impulse to make the note comes not from the left but from the right arm, from the moving part, not from the thinking centre.

Intonation comes from emotion centre.

so what does the thinking centre do?

something to consider next time i practice. I'm often extremely busy in the thoughts... organization, evaluation, analysis, but most importantly concerns such as "will Rubin hear me? will he like my intonation? Am I too loud? Do I look wierd? Can I check my email on these computers?" and conflicts such as " maybe you should stop. really? yeah... let me play again? Oh well forget about it... but I'm tensing up. oooh that was out of tune... again ooooh again..."

That's why I like to lie on my back for a bit after a little bit of practicing... and start again... to see the the effect of the tension in my body. The I can laugh at myself lightly and perhaps continue.

I wonder, in this hudge-pudge when does learning take place?

Alexander technique

There was this amazing looking baby at the contact jam. She was amazingly little and had a huge head and a small body, and big eyes with long eyelashes. The thing that was so amazing about this baby was how she held her head (I assume quite heavy) with an extra-ordinary upward direction. An unbelievable example of poise and balance. Alexander talks about babies and animals for the freedom of the neck and the head and the 'natural sense of up'.

I wished I was so free like the baby. I talked about it in my Alexander lesson. Verna, my teacher, was making fun of my 'trying', 'Trying not to interfere', and 'trying not to try'. One wishes to set the neck free, and so pushed it around instead of 'leaving it alone':

Allow the neck to be free, so to allow the head to release, so to allow the back to open!

Control is the key. She talked about babies as not trying to control, moving limbs, yelling, burping, peeing, no interference with the body's natural patterns. That was important. I don't want to be a baby of course, I can't pee in bed or throw up on the computer, I have a certain control on some of the functions, but there are some things where my uneducated control is plainly arrogant. My body intelligence knows best. Now one has to learn to see the unnecessary tensions and the habitual interference and that's not easy... Control has to be exerted in a different way.

Accompaniment

Prof. Sankaran's concert

Do I know anything about music? whydo I try so hard and why do I get stuck trying only? Enjoying of the music, and thinking about making sense of things, and the concert has gone by. Only moments, one or two moments I heard sounds and only listened to them. But more is going on, communication and a lot more on the social level. and why is it easiest to see and judge the social gestures? Oh he is probably so scared. I worry for this guy who looks less confident ... and so on.

Vanessa:

I rehearsed with Vanessa for our show in two weeks. This is going to be a completely (or almost completely anyway) improvised. We are going to try to structure it somehow. I'd like to go on stage with at least some intention for the space and time of the show. We played some good, interesting stuff. I'm worried about over-rehearsing. I don't know what use our vocabulary is going to be, but we came up with a few moods, relationships, sounds, etc.

I feel good about what I can do. I think I have quite a range of musical spaces. They are like little rooms, hallways, and some dead-end places. Anyhow there are a few and sometimes I stumble over a few of them.

I should find some neat haikus for our show, I love to play for poetry also.
I love accompanying in general. Support and sometimes push and pull pretty drastically, but rather understated. I tried to listen to prof Sankaran's playing as accompaniment. He clearly Knows, that's why he can be so supportive, that's how he can bring so much breath into his playing. I think that's one of the major differences between him and the other drummers, he has breath "prana".

Way Out (oct 26)

[The following lines are excerpts of my journal, Oct 26]

"Progress has been slow this week" my violin teacher said after the lesson.
"I'm just ashamed", I said "I don't want to look for excuses and I'd like to be more ready."

Here is my resolution this week, I'd like to be more ready. This of course is an ego thing. I react to this awful feeling of shame and say I'll practice so I'll be proud next time. This is not because the joy of the music or violin playing; it's because I want a different relationship to the teacher. This is of course not bad but that's not why I'm taking violin lessons anyway. I know also that if now I'm feeling strongly about this, 2 hours later I will have forgotten.

So? What's the problem? Is there a problem?

I suppose I must first ask if I want to do it or not, because if not, then it's a waste of time.

...[details about which pieces I like and which I don't and that I'm not having a particularly fun
time. Finally:] let it have a chance till the new year and then we shall see and decide. It's going to be a premature decision now anyway.

... [What we are working on, and my problems namely Intonation, Co-ordination, Sound, Shifting]

-----------------------------------

just too much to write here and I'm tired. Ask if you are particularly interested. I don't even know if this is at all being read. I shall post some of last night's practice notes after.

Now off to practice!
We've laid down a laminate flooring in the basement today at Merton street. satisfying work, group work, work, and remembering oneself. Do you remember yourself? do you remember me? do you remember you?

lost dance

Do not spell-check on this.... I just lost a good chunk of writing on dance. now lost in cyber-space. this is the second time.

Too damn tired to write a coherent entry. I'm proud though somehow. I don't know what from today to share? Also that I've been keeping notes as I've gone along in the day. That's what I was talking about when I wondered if this was a practical thing to do or not, is there an interference? or could I think of it as reinforcement?

I've been trying to avoid the emotional in here and to focus on my personal university, but when something is such a significant part of my life, I might as well say it. I've broken up with my now-x-beloved, it has been a real mix-bag of emotions.

Ian and I talked a bit after the meeting today. (He had imagined I was a married man!) I said that I believed this was the right thing to do, despite of it I still felt the longing and the loneliness and the reminder of how and who I used to be before this relationship. It changes your whole life he said and I remember having written about the different pace of time's passage in my book.

I realize that I have made big mistakes and I believe that they were honest mistakes. But also I see what a truly special and nourishing and fun and youthful and amazing experience this was. An amazing ride!

افسوس

که فرصت کوتاه بود

و سفر جانکاه بود

اما یگانه بود

وهیچ چیز کم نداشت

Practice with Mike:

We wokrd on a piece "Here it is!" by Bill Douglass, it was very interesting to see how Mike practices. I've never liked to count out loud "1 e + a" and play. It was enough challenge to perform it in front of the other one, for him and for me.

I would like to try some of the counterpoint exercises that he has devised.


Speaking with Nazila:

We played a little bit in esfahan. I was nervous that I might not be in tune, but it was actually a case of mutual carefulness and hesitance but also places where she or I would go a bit wilder.

Then we spoke business! I wish I could see myself in that room, so on the edge, so careful and trying to say something that I knew I had to say. Disagree with and question what they were doing. I can't imagine having been articulate at all in that state of uncomfort, but luckily I think it went through. We agreed that I send them an email with my requests, ideas and suggestions, and later I thought I would ask to make and sign a contract (something I need to learn about anyway...). This meeting took a lot of energy.

Teaching:
Ben's mom asked to sit in the class and asked some were amazing questions about practicing. So we worked on one piece with some ideas of how to practice it. he's a smart guy, and it's good to have the mom in the class once in a while. It's also good to demonstrate and inspire the kids. Next I could do a fast fiddle tune for him and blow his mind. Here's a great performance opportunity.

---
Then was the meeting wich itself was another 2 or so hours. My poor body needs rest now.

Today was all work and emotions. Sentiments have their place, not hear. I'll just say that this time I'm giving them time to live. I slept when I came home and took a bath, which was good.

I have two new projects, two collaborations with old friends. One with Rick Roose and Lily's choreography. I've never worked with Rick. I love the guy, and I'm curious what sort of process we will have together... The dance is coming out of improvisation, and I'm glad it's a smaller group.

I have a gig now with Vanessa. I spoke to her today, and we laughed quite a bit. She's a successful singer songwriter, and making her living with good spirits. I'm excited about this 2 hr improv gig... I'm wondering what sort of preparation we could have. A larger group has it's advantages (like a few group vocal pieces, and varous combinations and instumentation). It'll be a fun challenge to the scope of my musicianship. We will see.

As for practicing, I had a few minutes of practicing today. When one starts and things are just not falling is place. I managed to find my way into the violin mind set or mode. It's actually the body that is problematic, the holding of the violin, the position of the head, the tightness of the neck and intonation. But today I found my way in with the mind: freedom of the head and the lightness of touch, and the natural movement of limbs, then attention to the sound itself and "seeing" oneself in action. Then one can think analytically: intonation and the colour of sound, as Mark said yesterday the personality of each note in context.

Anyhow...

Work tomorrow, and then Array music. I'm interested to see the show. Maybe a few lines tomorrow night.

music for dance

Long day,

I had wanted to take a walk before teaching, but I was tricked into setting up for Terri's recording, which didn't go badly...

Playing for the dance jam was very good. I was surprised and continue to be at the possibilities. I was playing longer, and going with the music, a sort of continuos transformation.
I even played the piano. A few strands of "Cycle of 4ths" which slowly developed into a thickening isorhythmic ostinato. At some point (near the peak) I was overwhelmed by the sound and if I could handle the rest of the progression. I eventually came to a quick decrescendo, against what I had thought originally, to leave it hanging at the top. I would love to learn some Phillip Glass also.

To be able to push and pull, and affect the dancers differently, inwardly or outwardly,
To inspire and change the character of the attention, and to suddenly put forth a chunk of "silence" and the hearing of what is now heard, as music, and letting the music carry throught the bodies. Seeing the the music without hearing it, plastique anime of improvised, non-existant music.

At some point I went into some Chinese pentatonic sliding. The whole group was to one side and they spread as I played. I could have done a more sensitive job, but i was much too much excited by the Chinese sounds I had discovered.

This is what I really love to do.

Tomorrow is my violin lesson. I have done some conceptual work, but not enough... I should wake up early tomorrow.

to blog or not to blog

I'm still wondering if this is something I'd like to do. I've been impressed by a friend's blog and inspired.

But here is the practical side...

I have my note-books, journals, where to do what... what goes where...

as a start:

Dance class was not bad. A muggy rainy dark day, I was lazy and disappointed... A bit of perspective and a shock can turn things over. Laurane was teaching, a real honest girl. It was a small class and slowly things are making sense...

Alex is also a nice guy. He was going to the gym and then weight training after. I like his positive approach.

Tomorrow is work, Contact and teaching, I'd like to see the Anne Linsey show after...
perhaps I'll take a walk after work.